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Special Issue 2010 ICEEFT EFT Community Newsletter |
Rebecca Jorgensen, Ph.D.
Certified EFT Trainer San Diego Center for EFT |
As EFT therapists, we know the moves in the dance of disconnection well: attack and defend in all its variety. We also know the results of secure connection: accessibility, responsiveness and engagement. When I’m working with a couple as a process observer, I notice the movements in their dance and what dance steps they can safely make together.
I also think about secure connection being maintained by specific moves that denote accessibility, responsiveness and engagement. I call these moves the R’s of Healthy Relationships. In healthy couples, each person is able to emotionally reach, receive, reveal, recognize, request, respond to requests, report and reconnect.
I also think about secure connection being maintained by specific moves that denote accessibility, responsiveness and engagement. I call these moves the R’s of Healthy Relationships. In healthy couples, each person is able to emotionally reach, receive, reveal, recognize, request, respond to requests, report and reconnect.
Adult love is reciprocal
As couples heal, I have noticed that not only is each person more accessible, responsive and engaged, but also that the couple now have a combined ability to execute distinct 2-step “dance” moves. These moves are an interpersonal or interactional sequence. For each two-step move, the lead/follow role is executed by each partner, thus making the 2-step reciprocal. It’s the reciprocity that seems to maintain balance and make the couple healthy. When there’s reciprocity, both partners are not only able to execute each move, but they are able to take turns in the “lead” and “follow” positions. So, there is not one partner who is the only initiator in the 2-step move. In reciprocity, both partners share the role of initiator.
If you combine the R’s into a 2-step move you can see the roles each partner needs to take to complete the sequence. For there to be movement, signals need to be sent and received. As one reaches (leads the step) the other receives the reach (follows the move). The pursuer needs to be able to reach and have the withdrawer receive as well as have the withdrawer reach so the pursuer can receive, and vice versa. Each needs to reach, and each needs to receive the other’s reaching, for connection to happen. But, for the relationship to be truly reciprocal (balanced and healthy) both members of the couple need to be able to lead and follow each 2-step move.
Here are the roles and moves that create these 2-step sequences of healthy relationships:
1. REACH (Lead) and RECEIVE (Follow)
The first two-step move begins when one is distressed, hurting, and in need of attention or comfort. The partner reaches out, unsolicited, to provide comfort or support. To reach is to move towards with compassion, having seen the need. It is a giving from the heart to assist the distress. The reach could be in the form of a hug, words of acknowledgement, understanding or sharing the burden. For the couple to complete this move successfully, the other must receive the compassion and accompanying acts of kindness.
The first two-step move begins when one is distressed, hurting, and in need of attention or comfort. The partner reaches out, unsolicited, to provide comfort or support. To reach is to move towards with compassion, having seen the need. It is a giving from the heart to assist the distress. The reach could be in the form of a hug, words of acknowledgement, understanding or sharing the burden. For the couple to complete this move successfully, the other must receive the compassion and accompanying acts of kindness.
2. REVEAL (Lead) and RECOGNIZE (Follow)
The second two-step is reveal and recognize. In EFT treatment this is related to Steps 5 and 6. When one partner reveals primary emotion, the other (through the therapist promoting acceptance) is able to recognize the gift of sharing. After couples complete the change events, their ability to reveal and recognize the revealing continues to grow.
The second two-step is reveal and recognize. In EFT treatment this is related to Steps 5 and 6. When one partner reveals primary emotion, the other (through the therapist promoting acceptance) is able to recognize the gift of sharing. After couples complete the change events, their ability to reveal and recognize the revealing continues to grow.
3. REQUEST (Lead) and RESPOND (Follow)
The third two-step move is also one we emphasize a lot in EFT. In Step 7, one partner requests for unmet emotional needs to be met and the partner then responds to the request. The request is about unmet connection needs such as acceptance, belonging, comfort or safety (what I call the ABC’S of attachment). Typically, when it comes to connection requests during EFT change events, the withdrawer requests safety and acceptance, the antidotes to attack and rejection. The blamer often makes belonging and comfort requests, the antidotes to being alone and sad. After the change events are completed, couples are able to REQUEST and RESPOND to attachment needs much easier. They continue to get better at requesting and responding to connection needs as time goes on.
The third two-step move is also one we emphasize a lot in EFT. In Step 7, one partner requests for unmet emotional needs to be met and the partner then responds to the request. The request is about unmet connection needs such as acceptance, belonging, comfort or safety (what I call the ABC’S of attachment). Typically, when it comes to connection requests during EFT change events, the withdrawer requests safety and acceptance, the antidotes to attack and rejection. The blamer often makes belonging and comfort requests, the antidotes to being alone and sad. After the change events are completed, couples are able to REQUEST and RESPOND to attachment needs much easier. They continue to get better at requesting and responding to connection needs as time goes on.
4. REPORT (Lead) and RECONNECT (Follow)
The final two-step, REPORT and RECONNECT, is a move that shows up in Gottman’s research as present in healthy relationships. This is more of a head level than a heart level 2-step. It’s the sharing of status updates, such as what’s happening in our lives and maintaining a mental map of each other’s activities. Reporting and Reconnecting can also become an attachment ritual that gets developed in Stage 3.
The final two-step, REPORT and RECONNECT, is a move that shows up in Gottman’s research as present in healthy relationships. This is more of a head level than a heart level 2-step. It’s the sharing of status updates, such as what’s happening in our lives and maintaining a mental map of each other’s activities. Reporting and Reconnecting can also become an attachment ritual that gets developed in Stage 3.
Even with these moves in place, couples will misstep at times and need to REPAIR. To para-phrase Sue, when we dance in close proximity we are bound to step on each other’s toes. When we misstep we need to make repair and get back to resonating with each other. Healthy couples do this by utilizing one of these two -step moves:
REACH and RECEIVE
REACH and RECEIVE
“I see I hurt your feelings”, “That’s okay, I know you didn’t mean to”,
REVEAL and RECOGNIZE
“I’m feeling badly about how that went between us”, “I understand why that felt bad, I’m sorry.”
or REQUEST and RESPOND
“Will you come hold me, I’m afraid you’re not feeling good about me right now”, “Oh, sure, we’re okay, it was just one of those bad moments. I love you”.
As couples master the moves of healthy relationships, you’ll see them develop an ability to do one more thing together – REJOICE! And that’s something really wonderful to witness.
To download a PDF copy of this article click on the link below:
| 2010_-_therapist_toolbox-_identifying_connecting_moves_of_reciprocity_and_healthy_relationships_-_rebecca_jorgensen.pdf |
